Somehow this is the way.

 Every time I go back to residence, I sink into a mini-relapse.
I think the fact that I go the badminton kind of takes away the bad feelings but its also a little depressing nevertheless.

I don't really feel anything interesting happening to me, or maybe its just that I never get aknowledgment that makes me feel... invisible? 

These are such teenager, high school feelings that should have been resolved a long time ago aren't they?

I guess I was just a late bloomer.

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I feel like my roommate specifically really dislike me/ is pissed off with me for the last few days. Granted I don't care much for her either.
I think the only comparison I can make about her at this time is having a stick up the arse, or being constipated. You aren't really commfortable. 

(On a side note, I had the runs today and was almost late for bio lecture. But it was horrible I was falling asleep near the end.)
I sit in the front too, on the side. Oh why you ask?

I slept horribly, I usually don't to be frank. It's also related to the roommate. 

Actually, I really want to bash her here since she'll never read this, like my tumblr - which god forbid why she only follows 10. But she's just well, so. Hph, it may be a judgement call to say she's ugly but I'll admit - She's pretty ugly. The only thing going for her is that she's thin, above asian girl height, and maybe her passive personality - which brought that creep brown guy to sit on my bed when i wasn't there. 

I mean, maybe it was because I went to an arts high school so I was surrounded by interesting people, people with character, innovation, friendliness, warmth, genuiness.
That's the other thing. She's not nice. But she doesn't go out of her way to act like a bitch, but she is fucking passive aggressive. I know quiet, reserved people - I'm sometimes like that - but she is just so so bland and outrichiously unaiding, unpolished. 

I think I wouldn't have known her cranky side if not for sitting with her, her friend during the Welcome Week football game, where she just kept bitching about some girl or girls, while I was sitting next to them. 
It was the first time we actually interacted too. No attempt at engaging me in conversation, to include me.
Actually, I didn't think much of it at the time, the thoughts are only popping up to me now.
I don't think I actually felt kindness from her, compassion, etc. There are the small gifts of snack food but that's all reciporical. 

But in all that, I truly don't care. Its the fact that she messes my sleep schedule that makes me pissed. 
To be honest, she could be a bitch and ever more passive agressive so long as I get to sleep and nap when I want to. 
Seriously, since I'm never in the room - she makes it such a big deal to have to leave the room. Well, bitch, you just got lucky I'm never around. 
But all that's left now is to count the days left until I never have to see her stank-ass face again.
I seriously never truly look at her face, but when I do - it's hideous, not even, well Plastic Surgery could help, but that personality is not going to work.


But I think it's just a feeling for never wanting to see that motherfucker again and I am learning from this horrible ordeal how to never trust the people that make uni life sound so exciting. It's not. 

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Had a "interview" to be a welcome week rep for science, don;t think it turned out well.
Had one friend I saw that was on the team. To be honest, I feel more horrible about not having shown a good impression in front of him.
Its always the people you know isn't it. :(

I feel my blood raging actually. I think I'll need to do a mass rant soon. But I seriously would rather do it face to face rather than skype. Emotions don't come out fully that way.
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Going home this weekend, I realise that i did nothing other than read manga (yaoi, if anything), youtube, tumblr (surprising less), and other
homely activites. Drink legit tea. Sit in the new IKEA style chair. Spend Saturday night alone as parents had to go to a friend;s dinner party. They came back at 3am. I was calling because I was scared for them - I dunno, I get weird sometimes.

It was horriblely unproductive and my greatest regret was not talking to my parents more. Actually, I barely looked at them. I never really sat next to them. I felt really alone. Oh wow.  I really am such a homebody aren't I?
I really miss them though.
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I think the only thing I really got out of being an uni student nomad on campus 24/7 is being able to sit in uncomfy chairs for endless amounts of time, knowledge of "quiet" spots on campus with electrical outlets (because I seem to be always staring at the screen of this HP ProBook.), and being a night-owl. I don't really know what I'm going to do next year but I seriously can't imagine being dependant on someone else. It just is so weird. Maybe if I did group study I'd get more friends, but if I did go into art - you think i would talk to people while working? Nah. Artists are their own selves. I guess a science student can't choose such, espcially when I'm not doing quite well am I?
Not even a 9 overall, on the 12 point. scale. I'm too scared to check,but that I believe is 75-85. i dont quite know. 
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If I am lonely, I am pretty good at hiding it - I must say. It's a good thing I don't think too much about it otherwise, I might just break off and wallow in my sorrows. Maybe I just need to properly relax, read a good book, have a nice hot drink, sit in a nice place where I feel warm and comfy. 
HAHA. THAT NEVER HAPPENS. 
That will only happen if I go home and god knows I won't. Not this weekend. Well I could, if I can get tons of Bio studying done. But I think that would just ruin the being at home experience. Plus Mom won't be at home, she's working this weekend so it would be fruitless anyways.
I don't think I had a nice long chat with Dad in a long time actually. 
 

When have I ever done anything that could be considered fun and with someone anyways. I'm always forcing it. 
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So this has been a rather long break. I should do my part on the PBL or groupmates will hate me even more, but I should open the Physics ebook as well. I think I'll just skim that one first.

It is unbelievably loud here too. In the building that was suppose to be quiet.
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