How to De-stress

[cacabana]

 Alternate Title would be how to kill your fucking parents.

But you know you can't do that, so might as well attempt to get the anger out.

It's hard you know.
Hard to be anything but the status quo.

I remember that one incident where I broke a ruler in Grade Four, not even angrily, not even with a display of passion as much as a 10 year old could do. Yet the people sitting around me somehow tatal-tailed on me and I had to stay behind on a Friday Afternoon. Can't even remember what class it was. Actually, I cried. While she was scolding me and while going home. Can't remember if I stopped it in time when my Mom was home. If she was even home. 

 

I do remember writing in my journal/diary. That pink one, from Big Lot, most probably, with the pink paper... How I hated Ms. Fear, how she was a "Monster", or horrible. 

Obviously, I grew up pretty untainted and never learned swear words until I got to Canada. To be honest, I liked the States better. Pretty much everything. Don't quite feel like elaborating right now.

Now getting back on to the story - or the meaning behind all this would be, how I was this docile, hard-working, Asian student. With a pleasing personality, bright, open. All that good stuff. 
It really wasn't fair, looking back, I remember being put around the "troublemaker" kids, the ones that wouldn't have been all that bright, pass high school.

I had friends in that class, and I fucking got put somewhere because the teacher, Ms. Fear thought I would straighten them up, being one of the star students. Seriously, teachers are bitches like that. 

Same goes for Mrs. Cauley, my 2nd Sixth Grade teacher (i switched schools in October- a funny accident actually). She thought I didn't participate enough and gave me "N"s for participation. Need Improvement. Put me with the most conceited, mean, "popular" kids in a group seating. I swear, I was pretty obvilious to their teasing and taunting, but some of what they did could be considered internet bullying, bullying in general. 

Actually, for some reason I thought that school was pretty good when I left, somehow. But looking back, I pretty much just tried to repress my sadness. Didn't have an acess to a computer so all I ever did was go home, do homework. Maybe draw. Play keyboard crappily. 

Looking back I was really opressed during that time, creativly, physically. I seriously never went outside, went to the library, just went to Janice's house sometimes. 

So in a way, I should be really thankful for her, having taken the courage to invite me to play a part in her book report skit, giving me her phone number, being a wonderful ambassador to show me around the school and still sticking with me even after the stint. 
(Well actually, she didn't at first. It was only after a few weeks - that we talked on the playground and somehow hit it off, and had natural conversation) 

It seems I moved around trying to have a close friend, or a buddy at least to eat lunch with, or hang out on the playground with. Started maybe with Lesley, than Jody, then Jaisie and Bonnie. 

I sometimes reminience about J and B, they were a year older since it was a split 5/6 class, and how they were truly the nicest people I ever met. The nicest, kindest, most sincere friends I ever had. Thinking back, how somewhat annoying I was -i still am- and how I could had been more caring - they really reciporicated and thought well of me. As a new friend, but always inviting and even giving me a nickname. Miami. It's really sweet when people take the time to think about you.

It was also Jaisie who gave me a ride home on the last day I went to that school. It's a bit sad, actually. I never really talked to them after that. 
Actually, I feel really horrible about it. I feel like I used them...
I did happen to find them on facebook and still had their e-mail (?) but now, thinking back - I have no idea why I didn't call them or send a letter (I really liked sending letters) or even an e-mail. 
But there really is no way to reconnect with a lost friend over Facebook, its so impersonal. I really want to delete FB, but there's groups that have tests put up and sometimes answer questions so I feel like I would be missing out.
And you would - but I suppose the feeling would be incredibly liberating. 
And no one internet stalking too. 

--
Ah, this turned out to be a recollection of my past. I'm getting a little teary-eyed. It's not the best day. I was getting lectured at a somewhat public place by my parents over the phone, and worst part - I have been conditioned all my life to be so docile that I can't even get angry at them or fight them properly. 

I mean it's as if I can't even explain myself well. But that's the truth - because I never truly had a close friend, just plenty of acquaintances.
Well, just let that sink in for a bit.
But I'm still alive and I think, one day I will be free. Whatever free means. That's fucking depressing.

On a bright side, I was able to let lose and say more blunt things, things I truly feel while in Alex and Micheal's room. I like not having to pretend to be cheerful and happy all the time. Say more sexual, derogative, truthful things.
I was saying to Andrew how if I drink a lot of chocolate milk, "I'm ready" , meaning I am prepared to fart a lot. 
I think Mike is just a bit confused about how I could say such unlady-like things, but it's nice to let the sexual things fly out. Always nice to give explicit images. 

Uh, where is this post going?

I'm not sure, back to Psych or check my phone and fear my parents texting me hell for ending the call. 
I think I can't even talk to them straight.
I googled How to relieve stress, but I really wanted to google how to cut myself.
Ahh. Want to talk to Lina but at SWHAT, and I don't know how much freedom to say shit i have right now. 
Ah.