![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cacabana Eating takes too long.
And you're not even enjoying it.
You want a break from classes and work so you go to the gym.
Except you just ate so working out isn't a very good option.
Cold, tired, windy, period pains.
You don't even feel alive walking around. Just dry skin and bones, walking around.
That feeling when your hands, face, feet are so dry and tired and sagging that you constantly feel like your hands are hurting, unclean, and desperately wanting to wash them.
That feeling when you see people you know and don't want to talk to them, or have them notice you because they're in a group and you're not. And it would be soo soo ackward for you to approach them since you aren't truly close friends in the first place.
Not having anything interesting to say.
When you force yourself to make conversaition with people you don't like or know if not for the present situation, you would never ever bother with them.
When you try so hard to make a good impression and pretend to be palatable, pleasing, overtly friendly, when you just don't care at all.
When the only determination you have to finish something is the fact that you'll have a break afterwards. Or that it will just be DONE.
Thinking the same thing about every single test, project, assignment.
Not having a safe haven, someone to rant to.
Getting jealous of seeing those stupid asian couples, fresh from china, how much fucking free time they have to do shit. and say useless things to each other.
Being too afraid to ask "friends" for help since they aren't that close and the bunch of them are already doing the work together, or have all done it.
Being the odd one out.
You know this really never bothered me before, but now being out of my element, it makes me so pitiful. And sad.
Not being able to call your family because you've been too busy cramming for a test and when you do take a break, its midnight and they're already asleep.
Not getting enough sleep or good sleep due to roommate, neighbour, corridor noise.
I will not be missing residence.
Actually, i can't think of anything good about it at this point. All the negatives out-weigh the positives.
Getting incredibly pissed with groups of friends, espcially asian ones.
Like get a machette and cut them all.
Wanting to errdicate all the stupid asian girls on this fucking campus.
Losing your identidy, your pride, your specialty, your emotions, well-being.
Wanting to not look like a total mess everyday.
Being able to get out of bed naturally, not because of roommate tension that makes you wake up automatically.
Not being comfortable in your own bedroom.
I think the way i try to soften this is just by never being in the room.
Not being comfrotable, on edge basically everywhere.
You don't think about this, but its basically true.
Trying to find a peaceful spot but never being able to find one.
Wanting to complain to someone but you just can't.
Looking at korean idol pop music and culture just because it is the only way to make your life less boring.
Not enjoying what you do, what you study.
Doing things solely for marks.
Not having direction.
Not doing summer school because I want to but to get ahead
Hearing stupid comments on how someone is so: nice, smart.
Can people be anymore descritive.
At least now, after being around so many people do I realise finding genuinely nice, good-natured people is hard.
Everything is fake. So much is fake.
Not helping but being emmersed in other people's conversation because they pertain to you and you never had anyone to talk about those things to.
Or just the fact that they have rude, aggrogant, bitchy, typical asian accents.
Seriously, that girl in a bio project. Everytime she talks, i want to claw her face. her voice is fucking annoying. please die.
Seeing uppity international students that don't do much studying.
I even their freedom but at the same time, they got have been the stupid to not go to the US.
Over-thinking everything. Even now. when i think about the audience of this, how they might react. Fuck them all.
Making rude comments in my head but never having an outlet to spew them out.
One of these days...
Being attracted to people you shouldn't be, and trying hard to look normal.
IE: Physics TA, not being able to look them in the eyes after doing silly/stupid things.
Being the weird, silly, funny one.
How did i even get this fake title.
People with the clacking sounds of high heels. Please fall and bruise your face and die.
Get raped while you're at it.
No nope, shouldn't be slut shaming but I really have the strong desire to say these things. And Freudian analysis isn't going to cut it.
Being more obessesed with the male form. Looking more at arms, muscles, the butt, hips.
The feelings are starting to run dry now so i'll stop.
I bought a Hagen-Daiz cookie dough ice cream. Hope it's good.
And you're not even enjoying it.
You want a break from classes and work so you go to the gym.
Except you just ate so working out isn't a very good option.
Cold, tired, windy, period pains.
You don't even feel alive walking around. Just dry skin and bones, walking around.
That feeling when your hands, face, feet are so dry and tired and sagging that you constantly feel like your hands are hurting, unclean, and desperately wanting to wash them.
That feeling when you see people you know and don't want to talk to them, or have them notice you because they're in a group and you're not. And it would be soo soo ackward for you to approach them since you aren't truly close friends in the first place.
Not having anything interesting to say.
When you force yourself to make conversaition with people you don't like or know if not for the present situation, you would never ever bother with them.
When you try so hard to make a good impression and pretend to be palatable, pleasing, overtly friendly, when you just don't care at all.
When the only determination you have to finish something is the fact that you'll have a break afterwards. Or that it will just be DONE.
Thinking the same thing about every single test, project, assignment.
Not having a safe haven, someone to rant to.
Getting jealous of seeing those stupid asian couples, fresh from china, how much fucking free time they have to do shit. and say useless things to each other.
Being too afraid to ask "friends" for help since they aren't that close and the bunch of them are already doing the work together, or have all done it.
Being the odd one out.
You know this really never bothered me before, but now being out of my element, it makes me so pitiful. And sad.
Not being able to call your family because you've been too busy cramming for a test and when you do take a break, its midnight and they're already asleep.
Not getting enough sleep or good sleep due to roommate, neighbour, corridor noise.
I will not be missing residence.
Actually, i can't think of anything good about it at this point. All the negatives out-weigh the positives.
Getting incredibly pissed with groups of friends, espcially asian ones.
Like get a machette and cut them all.
Wanting to errdicate all the stupid asian girls on this fucking campus.
Losing your identidy, your pride, your specialty, your emotions, well-being.
Wanting to not look like a total mess everyday.
Being able to get out of bed naturally, not because of roommate tension that makes you wake up automatically.
Not being comfortable in your own bedroom.
I think the way i try to soften this is just by never being in the room.
Not being comfrotable, on edge basically everywhere.
You don't think about this, but its basically true.
Trying to find a peaceful spot but never being able to find one.
Wanting to complain to someone but you just can't.
Looking at korean idol pop music and culture just because it is the only way to make your life less boring.
Not enjoying what you do, what you study.
Doing things solely for marks.
Not having direction.
Not doing summer school because I want to but to get ahead
Hearing stupid comments on how someone is so: nice, smart.
Can people be anymore descritive.
At least now, after being around so many people do I realise finding genuinely nice, good-natured people is hard.
Everything is fake. So much is fake.
Not helping but being emmersed in other people's conversation because they pertain to you and you never had anyone to talk about those things to.
Or just the fact that they have rude, aggrogant, bitchy, typical asian accents.
Seriously, that girl in a bio project. Everytime she talks, i want to claw her face. her voice is fucking annoying. please die.
Seeing uppity international students that don't do much studying.
I even their freedom but at the same time, they got have been the stupid to not go to the US.
Over-thinking everything. Even now. when i think about the audience of this, how they might react. Fuck them all.
Making rude comments in my head but never having an outlet to spew them out.
One of these days...
Being attracted to people you shouldn't be, and trying hard to look normal.
IE: Physics TA, not being able to look them in the eyes after doing silly/stupid things.
Being the weird, silly, funny one.
How did i even get this fake title.
People with the clacking sounds of high heels. Please fall and bruise your face and die.
No nope, shouldn't be slut shaming but I really have the strong desire to say these things. And Freudian analysis isn't going to cut it.
Being more obessesed with the male form. Looking more at arms, muscles, the butt, hips.
The feelings are starting to run dry now so i'll stop.
I bought a Hagen-Daiz cookie dough ice cream. Hope it's good.
